Top 5: Things That I Legitimately Don't Like About Spain

1.) The Lunchladies

Remember Miss Mae who served you your food every day grades K-12 with a smile on her face and a lovely, "How are you today, sweetie?" In Spain, not so. Lunch Lady Land? False. Forget it. These ladies hate us. I'm really, really not kidding. "Gracias" and "Por favor"? Don't even say it. They'll just hate you more. What's that you say? You're a Spanish student? Oh, never mind then! In that case, I'll love you forever and sneak you extra food and drinks. But don't tell those stupid American students. They dress funny and are too polite.

2.) That asshole who works at the train station

You see me approach your ticket booth, and you laugh. "Dublín?" You say. "Quieres ir a Dublín!?" You laugh some more. You tell the guys behind you in the language you think I can't understand. "Hey fellas, these little American kids want to go to Dublín! Can you believe that!? What a joke!" They laugh. You smirk. I stab the mole on your forehead with my eyes. Why can't you just sell me the ticket?

3.) In America, we clean up after our dogs.

You know those days when you just can't wait to step in a steaming hot pile of dog poo left for you by that massive German Shepherd just a few paces up the road? Yeah, me either. The sidewalks may be made of pretty, shiny marble, but beware: land-mines are abundant and do NOT discriminate between worker boots and Tory Burch flats.

4.) Why don't you people believe in ice?

Ice + water = ice water. Please. Pleaaaaase.

5.) Vegetarian ≠ Meatless

I can see the conversation now. "Hey, Javí, we can still label this 'vegetarian' even if we hid a layer of ham underneath the cheese, right?" "Certainly," Javí replies. "Ham Sandwiches, Pepperoni Pizzas, Pastas, Paellas... it's all the same, really."

*But really though. Spain is great. (Despite aforementioned characteristics).

"UD" get a lot out of a decent grammar class (we can only hope).

There are a lot of things I don't understand in life-- the concept of platform shoes, die-hard reality TV fans, Hot Pockets (gross, but that's a different post for a different time)-- the list goes on. Perhaps one of the most baffling concepts among the list, though, is that of personalized license plates.

I just don't get it.

Sometimes they gross me out. And sometimes they just make me mad. As an example, I'll refer to an especially ridiculous personalized license plate that I had the misfortune of encountering while walking home from class today.

As the tool in the driver's seat of a wannabe swanky whip (strike number one) whizzed past me with a deafening roar-- the combination of bad rap music and the lack of a muffler-- (strike number two), I noticed the license plate carried a message:

"UDLOOSE" (I don't think I need to mention strike number three).

Wait, what? Really? Really? I'm going to take a guess here and assume that you meant for the caption to read, "You'd Lose", in which case I understand the need to shorten the first word to "UD", an abbreviation that's hellacious enough on its own, but must you spell "lose" wrong? I mean, really. Get it together. No one wants to drag race you, they want to drive behind you... so that they can snap a picture of your license plate with their phone and send it to all of their friends.

You lose.